15 4 / 2014
In the light of the heated debate that has arisen around the Facebook page Women Who Eat On Tubes (a page on which people are encouraged to post, and to comment on candid photographs taken of women eating in public), today seemed like a good day to post the following guidelines, aimed especially at those shy, inexperienced men who may perhaps need a little help in coping with what women may, or may not be, likely to do in public.
First rule: DON’T be alarmed if you see a woman on the Tube. Women are mostly quite harmless, and seldom attack unless provoked.
However, here is a list of things that women sometimes do. For most men, these things are nothing to fear. Men who are offended, however, should avoid going out in public at all, as sooner or later they are likely to receive an unpleasant reminder of the facts of life.
1. Women sometimes eat food. Be warned; this means digestion, guys: with all the attendant functions. I’m sure you’re already familiar with these. For more information, ask your Biology teacher.
2. Women sometimes talk to people. That means, if you behave like a dick around women, then other people will probably find out.
3. Women sometimes menstruate. However, this is not a get-out-of-jail free card for you to behave like a dick. (See 4.)
4. Women sometimes display anger towards people who behave like dicks. Sometimes, this anger is unrelated to menstruation. Suggesting that it is means that you are in danger of behaving like a dick. If you find yourself behaving like a dick, try to stop doing it. This usually solves the problem.
5. Women sometimes have body hair. Sometimes they choose to get rid of it. Whether they choose to do this or not has nothing whatever to do with you.
6. Women sometimes wear clothes. Again, what, when, and where has nothing to do with you.
7. Women sometimes find men sexually attractive. Sometimes they find other women sexually attractive. Sometimes they may even find you sexually attractive. Do not behave like a dick about this. It isn’t your call. (see: Behaving like a dick).
Is this getting too much for you yet? If so, just try to remember: Women do all the things men do. That includes: breathing; sleeping; farting; eating; shitting; drinking; pissing; swearing; reading; watching TV; going to work; getting tattoos; having friends; wearing clothes; having opinions; talking; laughing; getting sick; brushing their teeth; dreaming; masturbating; getting spots; making mistakes; growing old; going grey; going bald; going crazy; being fat; being thin; or just not being your physical type.
They also share a general dislike of: being attacked, verbally or physically; being condescended to; having their liberties infringed; being belittled, hurt or humiliated; being stalked or sexually harassed; being photographed without their permission, and those photographs being made public on Facebook; being judged on their appearance or their perceived attraction; being overlooked, ignored or patronized.
Commenting on, or trying to make a woman feel self-conscious or guilty about any of these things, or implying that women don’t have the same rights as you, qualifies as being a dick.
There. that was easy, wasn’t it? Now anyone can interact with women without being a dick.